My puppy ate my earbuds.
My puppy ate my socks.
My puppy chewed my tennis shoes
and all my Lego blocks.
He gnawed upon my iPod
as if it were a bone.
He nibbled my Nintendo Switch
and munched my mobile phone.
He grazed upon my skateboard,
consumed my catcher’s mitts,
and chomped my chess and checkers sets
to tiny little bits.
He polished off my pillow,
my blanket, and my sheet.
My homework seems to be the
only thing he will not eat.
My head is humongous.
My neck is tremendous.
My legs are so long that
my stride is stupendous.
My chest is impressive.
My torso’s titanic.
My arms are enormous.
My hands are gigantic.
My thighs are the size
of a couple of boulders.
I’m thick in the hips and
immense in the shoulders.
I’m broad as a tree trunk.
I’m tall as a tower.
My epic proportions
could cause you to cower.
I’m big in the belly.
I’m wide in the seat.
I’m really unclear why
I’m known for my feet.
My setter has a sweater
from The Setter Sweater Store.
It’s better than the sweater
that my setter had before.
Her sweater has a letter
in the center of the chest.
(The lettered setter sweaters
are what setters like the best.)
And if you ever met her
you could get to pet her sweater.
(You should pet a lettered sweater;
there’s no setter sweater better!)
So if your pet’s a setter
then I bet you’ll pet her more
if you get her lettered sweaters
from The Setter Sweater Store.
My hare is resting on my head.
I also have bear feet.
A swallow’s in my throat
and there are calves below my seat.
A seal is on my lips today.
A slug is on my fist.
A mussel’s on my shoulder
and a tick is on my wrist.
A wasp is on my yellow jacket
where it likes to bee.
A fly is on my zipper,
though I wish that it would flea.
My doe is in my wallet
and my sole is on my shoe.
I hope my tail was not a boar.
What’s gnu, my deer, with ewe?
A sheep is asleep on my sofa.
A sheep is asleep on my floor.
A sheep is asleep in the closet,
and seems to be starting to snore.
A sheep is asleep on my dresser.
A sheep is asleep on my bed.
I found when I woke up this morning,
a sheep was asleep on my head.
A few can be found in the corner.
They’re soundly asleep in a heap.
There isn’t a space in my bedroom
that isn’t all covered in sheep.
With so many sheep in my bedroom,
I’m thinking I wasn’t too bright,
and maybe I shouldn’t have asked for
a sheepover party last night.
Lorenzo Liszt, non-scientist,
researches things that don’t exist.
He looks for fur from fish and frogs
and scales that came from cats and dogs.
He hunts for things like hamster wings
and walruses with wedding rings.
He analyzes famous flies
and speculates on oysters’ eyes.
He contemplates the common traits
of rattlesnakes on roller skates,
and then explores for dinosaurs
who shop in corner grocery stores.
He thinks about the desert trout.
He studies underwater drought.
He ponders how the purple cow
remained unnoticed up till now.
He scans the skies for flying pies
and tests for turtles wearing ties
and bears who buzz and beep because…
well, this is what Lorenzo does.
Although we feel that he should deal
with something that’s a bit more real,
Lorenzo Liszt just can’t resist
researching things that don’t exist.
My mouse is misbehaving
and my keyboard’s on the fritz.
The computer’s not computing,
but is dropping bytes and bits.
The hard drive’s click-click-clicking
and the printer’s spitting ink.
The CD’s started stuttering.
The screen is on the blink.
The memory is failing.
Things are grinding to a halt.
And, even worse, I realize
it’s probably my fault.
I thought it would be funny.
It was really just a joke.
I never thought the whole computer
might go up in smoke.
I guess I learned my lesson:
When it comes to your PCs,
it’s best if you don’t ever try
to feed the mouse some cheese.
The winter Olympics are practically here.
They say that the sports will be different this year.
Instead of the athletes who always compete,
They plan to have animals! Won’t that be neat?
They plan, for example, in cross country skiing
This year to have not even one human being.
Instead they’ll let polar bears out of the zoos
And fit them with custom-made cross country shoes.
With helmets and skis they’ll head out in the cold
To race one another and go for the gold.
On ski jump this winter I hear that they’ll use
a family of jackrabbits or kangaroos.
I’m sure the Olympics this year will be huge
With goats on the snowboards and lemurs on luge!
And won’t it be fun to watch elephants race
On bobsleighs downhill at a neck-breaking pace?
I simply can’t wait to watch speed-skating mice
Careening like crazy out there on the ice,
And octopi with a profusion of skates
Who execute Axels and real figure eights.
The snakes will be curling, but not as you’d think;
They’ll do it with stones on an ice-covered rink.
The falcons will slalom on specially-made skis,
And frogs will do freestyle. I hope they don’t freeze!
The sparrows will sprint and the hawks will play hockey
And people will cheer them from here to Milwaukee
And lavish the winners with medals and ribbons;
The geese, the gorillas, the geckos, and gibbons.
The ducks and the dolphins, the donkeys and dogs,
The hamsters and hippos and horses and hogs.
They’ll all be competing to show who’s the best
And leave all the spectators awed and impressed.
It’s just so exciting! I can’t wait to go
To see all these creatures compete in the snow.
But, still, I sure hope when the games are all through
The animals all go back home to the zoo.
There’s a doggy in my soup dish.
There’s a canine in my cup.
The waiter brought a bowl out
and I found this grubby pup.
His fur is simply sopping.
He’s wet from head to toes.
He’s got some peas upon his paws
and noodles on his nose.
He doesn’t look too happy.
His eyes are filled with tears.
Or maybe that’s just chicken soup
that’s dripping from his ears.
I’m sure I asked for noodles.
I got this dog instead.
I wonder how this happened.
Was it something that I said?
I guess I must have mumbled.
I’m such a nincompoop!
It seems the waiter heard me ask for
Chicken Poodle Soup.
It’s raining in my bedroom.
It’s been this way all week.
I think the upstairs neighbor’s plumbing
might have sprung a leak.
They may be on vacation.
They must be out of town.
And, all the while, my bedroom rain
continues pouring down.
My shoes have gotten soggy.
My bed is growing mold.
A pond is forming on my floor.
It’s all so wet and cold,
that frogs have started spawning.
An otter wandered through
with salmon splashing upstream,
and some guy in a canoe.
Now waves are growing larger.
The weather’s turning grim.
A tide is rising rapidly.
I’m glad that I can swim.
My parents called the plumber.
He’s nowhere to be seen.
Does anybody know where I
can buy a submarine?