Reading Level: Grade 5

Poems suitable for reading by 10-11 year olds.

The Story of Laurie

Perhaps you shouldn’t read this story.
It isn’t sweet and hunky-dory.
It isn’t even just okay,
or nice or kind in any way.
In fact, it’s gruesome, grim, and gory,
and all about a girl named Laurie.

See, Laurie is a cannibal.
She’ll eat no plant nor animal.
She’ll eat no vegetable nor fruit,
no leaf, no seed, no sprout, nor shoot.
And if you offer fish or fowl
she’ll stare at you and start to growl.

It’s not that Laurie’s mean or mad.
She simply thinks that beans are bad.
She says, “No thanks” to chips and cheese,
bologna, carrots, parsley, peas,
bananas, bagels, sauerkraut,
arugula and rainbow trout.

She doesn’t care for Christmas roast,
or pie or pumpernickel toast,
or rigatoni, ravioli,
mustard, custard, guacamole,
pickles, yogurt, sirloin steak,
or even candy bars and cake.

She’ll never feed on frozen food.
And any entree, steamed or stewed,
from any package, box, or bag,
is guaranteed to make her gag.
It’s not part of her diet plan;
the only thing she eats is Man.

I truly hope I never meet
with Laurie, for I know she’ll eat
my feet, my legs, my arms, my head,
and then, of course, I’ll end up dead.
And that’s the one thing I would hate:
To be the poet Laurie ate.

Nathaniel Naste

Nathaniel Naste
once ate some paste
he’d taken home from school.
He scooped a bit
and tasted it
and hollered like a fool.
His face got laced
with paste that graced
his forehead and his hair.
Some paste got placed
upon his waist
which glued him to his chair.

Nathaniel cried
and, mortified,
his mother came to see.
She tugged, she tried,
she pulled and pried
but couldn’t get him free.
For she was stuck
in pasty muck
and called Nathaniel’s dad,
who raced in haste,
embraced the paste,
and pulled with all he had.

But father too
was stuck like glue
to poor Nathaniel’s mother,
and it ensued
they also glued
his sister and his brother,
his cat, his frog,
his bird, his dog
(a parakeet and spaniel),
till each at last
were fastened fast,
cemented to Nathaniel.

The neighbors came
and soon the same
was happening to all.
They faced the paste
but soon, disgraced,
they placed an urgent call
to nine-one-one
and on the run
came firemen and police,
who tried with ropes
and prayers and hopes
and bucketloads of grease.

But nothing helped
and each one yelped
to be in this position
encased in paste
to find they faced
a sticky proposition.
Across the floor
and out the door
and halfway down the street
with knees on hips,
and hands on lips,
and elbows stuck to feet.

The Army marched
but soon were starched.
The Navy gummed their ships.
The Air Force flew
but stuck like glue
to all those knees and lips.
The President
gave his consent
for every single person
to lend some aid
but this just made
the situation worsen.

And in the end
it’s true, my friend,
no solitary granule
of any worth
was left on Earth
not pasted to Nathaniel.
So don’t you fail
to heed this tale
and never taste your paste,
or you may find
you’re in a bind
Like poor Nathaniel Naste.

To B or Not to B

I bought a black banana,
And a broken baseball bat.
A burst balloon, a busted boat,
A beat-up bowler hat.

I wasn’t being brainy, bright,
or brilliant, but you see,
My brain was boggled after
Being bitten by a bee.

Olympic Granny

When Grandma goes for gold in
The Olympic games this year,
She’ll laugh at her competitors
And make them quake with fear.

She’s ninety-nine years old
But, in athletics, she’s been blessed.
The trouble is she can’t decide
Which sport she plays the best.

She’s such an ace at archery.
She’s queen of the canoe.
She’s tough to top at taekwondo
And table tennis too.

She dominates the diving board.
She tromps the trampoline.
At lifting weights and wrestling
She’s the best you’ve ever seen.

She speeds across the swimming pool
To slake the summer heat.
On BMX and mountain bike
She simply can’t be beat.

She’s highest in the high jump,
And a champ at hammer throwing,
Magnificent in marathons,
Remarkable at rowing.

She beats the best at boxing.
At the pole vault she is peerless.
Her fencing is the finest;
She is positively fearless.

She’s masterful at basketball,
She truly rules the court,
And equally incredible
At every other sport.

But what we find astonishing
And something of a shocker
Is how she wins all contests
With her wheelchair and her walker.

The Setter Sweater Store

My setter has a sweater
from The Setter Sweater Store.
It’s better than the sweater
that my setter had before.

Her sweater has a letter
in the center of the chest.
(The lettered setter sweaters
are what setters like the best.)

And if you ever met her
you could get to pet her sweater.
(You should pet a lettered sweater;
there’s no setter sweater better!)

So if your pet’s a setter
then I bet you’ll pet her more
if you get her lettered sweaters
from The Setter Sweater Store.

The Seefood Diet

I’ve started on a seefood diet.
I highly recommend you try it.
You eat whatever food you see;
a grape, a crepe, a pear, a pea,
a candy cane, some bubble gum,
a piece of pie, a peach, a plum,
banana pancakes, chicken legs,
a dozen donuts, deviled eggs,
spaghetti noodles, sirloin steaks,
vanilla ice cream, birthday cakes,
a hundred pizzas, chocolate mousse,
and gallon jugs of apple juice.

The seefood diet. Just can’t beat it.
Whenever you see food, you eat it.
I’m pretty sure you won’t lose weight,
But, what the heck? The food is great!

The Size of Yankee Stadium

In Yankee Stadium they seat
a hundred people, more or less.
That total could be incomplete;
it’s really just a ballpark guess.

Horse Tale

I once heard a yarn
of a horse in a barn.
I’ll tell it as well as I’m able.
The horse ran away
from his stall and his hay,
so now his condition’s unstable.

Sam, Who Only Ate Jam

There was a boy whose name was Sam.
The only thing he ate was jam.
When offered any other food,
he’d claim he wasn’t in the mood.
He’d say, “I’m fairly full today,”
and push that other food away.
And so he never tasted pie,
or gave spaghetti sauce a try,
and even if you asked him, “Please?”
he wouldn’t chew on cheddar cheese.
He couldn’t stand potato chips.
Bananas never crossed his lips.
And not a bit of beef or lamb
or deviled egg or candied yam
would wind up on his dinner plate,
for jam was all he ever ate.

Now, as it happened, late one day
poor Sam expired. He passed away.
We don’t know why. It might have been
some mineral or vitamin
was missing from the food he ate
and caused this clearly awful fate
or maybe all that sugar made
him fall to pieces, start to fade,
until the day that eating jam
at last became the end of Sam.

We can’t be certain why he died
but, maybe, if he’d only tried
some yogurt or some celery,
a piece of toast, a pear, a pea,
a pizza crust, a grain of rice,
a half an herb, a single spice,
a spoon of soup with just one clam,
then, maybe, we would still have Sam.

Alas, he never ate a grape
or chocolate bar or Belgian crepe
or lobster bisque or Irish stew
or sauerkraut or cheese fondue
or casserole or sloppy joe,
so this is all we’ll ever know:
Since jam was all he had to eat,
his life was rather short and sweet.

Brody the Emoticon

Brody the emoticon
is famous for his style,
and if you ever meet him,
you will likely see his :-)

But if you come across him
on a day he’s feeling down,
instead of giving you a :-)
he’ll look at you and :-(

On other days he’ll ;-) at you.
He’ll sometimes blow a :-*
and if he’s feeling playful
he’ll stick out his :-P like this.

But, oftentimes, he’s simply bored
and can’t resist a :-O
because there’s nothing else to do
for an emoticon.