Cheese Breeze
Whenever I eat dairy,
it makes me have to toot.
You might think that sounds scary.
I think it’s kind of cute.
A sip of milk, some butter,
a tiny bit of cheese,
will make my tummy flutter
and cause a “bottom breeze.”
An ice cream cone or custard,
some yogurt or some ghee,
and then that noise you just heard…
That probably was me.
You might think I’m unlucky.
You might think it’s unfair.
But I don’t find it yucky;
it’s just my dairy air.
I Made Myself a Sandwich
My Brother Just Eats Candy
My brother just eats candy
and my sister just eats cakes.
The only thing my mother likes
are double-chocolate shakes.
My dad devours danishes
and donuts by the dozen.
My aunt and uncle live on pie
exactly like my cousin.
My grandpa and my grandma
just drink soda pop and punch.
My nephew and my niece
eat cookies every day for lunch.
And me, I’ll dine on any kind
of sugar-covered treat.
My family isn’t healthy, but
we sure are awfully sweet.
After Thanksgiving
It’s after Thanksgiving.
I’m full as can be.
I haven’t got room left
for even a pea.
I probably gobbled
too much at our feast.
I’m straining in pain and
my waistline’s increased.
I’m utterly glutted.
My stomach is stuffed.
My belly is bulging.
My tummy is puffed.
I’m totally bloated.
I’m huffing and puffing.
I guess it’s not smart to eat
nothing but stuffing.
I Got Some Hot Sauce in My Eye
My Favorite Food Is Broccoli
My favorite food is broccoli.
I eat it every day.
There isn’t any other food
that makes me feel this way.
It makes me feel so healthy.
It makes me look so cute.
But, mostly, I like broccoli
because it makes me toot.
Emilio, Emilio
Emilio, Emilio,
was never one to stealio,
but had no meat
or bread to eat.
Not even an apple peelio.
Emilio, Emilio,
he got his rod and reelio,
to catch some fish
to fill his dish,
but all he caught were eelio.
Emilio, Emilio,
did not like eating eelio.
He sold them to
a merchant who
gave him an awesome dealio.
Emilio, Emilio,
at last I can revealio,
bought lots of meat
and bread to eat,
and a fancy new automobilio.
Josh the Sausage Maker
I’m Josh. I make sausage,
and bacon and ham,
baloney and roast beef,
and turkey and Spam.
I also make meatloaf,
pancetta, pastrami,
prosciutto and hot dogs,
corned beef and salami.
But liverwurst sausage
is what I do best,
and everyone likes it
much more than the rest.
If anyone asks you,
you heard it here first.
I’m Josh. I make sausage.
My best is the wurst.
Inside Our Fridge
Inside our fridge there’s still a smidge
of old and moldy ham.
And, next to it, there’s quite a bit
of dried-up, fried-up Spam.
The bacon in the crisper bin
has been there much too long.
The sausage links have such a stink.
Their smell is simply wrong.
The ribs and roast are both the most
disgusting ever seen.
Yes, every piece has rancid grease
and spots of bluish-green.
We left it there without a care
for weeks, or months, or years.
Now all this rotten food we’ve got
is bringing us to tears.
I guess we should have understood
it must be eaten quick.
And if we wait till it’s too late,
it might just make us sick.
But now this meat — too old to eat,
too fossilized to fork,
from long before the dinosaurs —
is all Jurassic Pork.
Carl the Cookie Carrier
I’m Carl the Cookie Carrier.
I carry cookies well.
I carry ones with chocolate chips
and ones with caramel.
I transport tea cakes tactfully.
With wafers I’m an ace.
My gift for lifting biscuits
is the ultimate in grace.
I’m skilled with Scottish shortbread.
With digestives I’m the best.
With gingersnaps I have no lapse.
It’s obvious I’m blessed.
I’m masterful with macaroons
and snickerdoodles too.
I’ll haul them all regardless
if they’re pink or green or blue.
And when I carry cookies,
I eat only one or two.
So I have just one question…
May I carry yours for you?
