I hypnotized the teacher
in our classroom yesterday.
I think it worked! He’s started
doing everything I say.
I said he was a chicken.
He began to crow and cluck.
And then he started quacking
when I said he was a duck.
It made my classmates laugh
to see the teacher act so funny.
He hopped and nibbled carrots
when I said he was a bunny.
I said he was a fierce,
ferocious, giant dinosaur.
It worked, but now he won’t do
what I tell him anymore.
Our class is now directed by
this stomping, roaring creature.
I recommend that you don’t ever
hypnotize your teacher.
The Noisy Boys from Boise
are the noisiest of boys.
They’re boisterous annoyances.
They’re great at making noise.
They wake up every morning
with a, “COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!”
And then they start to BARK! and HONK!
and OINK! and CLUCK! and MOO!
At breakfast time they throw their bowls
to hear the way they SMASH!
They fill the room with BAM! and BOOM!
and BASH! and CRACK! and CRASH!
They STOMP and TROMP around the house
until it’s time for lunch,
then POUND their plates with hammers
for the CLATTER and the CRUNCH!
They CLANG on cans and pots and pans,
then BANG the dinner bell,
which means it’s time to SLURP! and BURP!
and run around and YELL!
And when they go to bed
they’re even louder than before.
The Noisy Boys from Boise sleep…
and SNORE, and SNORE, and SNORE!
The teacher performed an experiment
she probably shouldn’t have tried.
Some chemicals flashed and exploded.
She ended up frazzled and fried.
Her eyebrows were sizzling and smoking.
Her clothing was covered with soot.
She looked like a cartoon coyote
whose cannon had just gone kaput.
But something astonishing happened
as soon as her test went awry.
The teacher was caught by the shock wave,
and so was her hamster nearby.
The universe inside the blast zone
was literally rearranged,
affecting the teacher and hamster,
and somehow their brains were exchanged.
The hamster climbed up near the blackboard
and handed out homework galore.
The teacher, by contrast, was squeaking
and crawling around on the floor.
The principal quickly came running
the instant he learned of the news.
The hamster said, “Welcome. Please join us.”
Our teacher was sniffing his shoes.
I’m sorry to say our poor teacher
now sits in a cage eating grass.
The principal made her our pet,
and the hamster’s in charge of the class.
Coloring for Kids
Fun Coloring game for kids. Select drawing and start coloring. Save or print your work.
If your elephant is broken
and she needs a quick repair,
call the elephant repairman
and he’ll instantly be there.
If her trunk can’t play the trumpet
or her toes can’t tap a beat,
then the elephant repairman will
inspect her nose and feet.
If her tail won’t hold a kite string,
if her ears won’t make her fly,
then the elephant repairman
will explain the reason why.
When he figures out the problem
then he’ll start on the repair
with his elephant repair kit,
which he carries everywhere.
And it’s guaranteed your elephant
will soon be good as new
since repairing broken elephants
is what he likes to do.
But he cannot fix your dinosaur,
your dragon, or your duck.
So, if one of them is broken,
I’m afraid you’re out of luck.
I cooked my math book in a broth
and stirred it to a steaming froth.
I threw in papers—pencils, too—
to make a pot of homework stew.
I turned the flame up nice and hot
and tossed my binder in the pot.
I sprinkled in my book report
with colored markers by the quart.
Despite its putrid, noxious gas,
I proudly took my stew to class.
And though the smell was so grotesque,
I set it on my teacher’s desk.
My teacher said, “You’re quite a chef.
But, still, you’re going to get an F.
I didn’t ask for ‘homework stew,’
I said, ‘Tomorrow, homework’s due.'”
Once I ate a carrot
and I thought that it was good.
Then I ate a green bean
’cause my mother said I should.
The green bean was delicious,
what a yummy thing to eat.
It made me feel adventurous
and so I tried a beet.
The beet was simply wonderful.
My taste buds were aglow.
I think I’m going crazy
and I thought you ought to know.
CHORUS
I’m going crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy.
It’s how I want to be, yeah.
I’m crazy over vegetables
and that’s alright with me.
I nibbled on some broccoli.
Amazing! What a taste!
And now the parsley on my plate
will never go to waste.
I ate some squash and pumpkin too,
as much as I could hoard.
It got me so excited
I went right out of my gourd.
CHORUS
I’m going crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy.
But, oh, what can I say?
I’m crazy over vegetables.
I eat them every day.
Well, you can lock me up in a padded room
and throw away the key.
Before you go, please toss in
a stalk of celery.
I tasted some asparagus.
What scrumptious little spears!
I was eating corn until
it came out my ears.
And now I’m eating artichokes,
radishes and peas.
I’ve gone completely loony
over vegetables like these.
CHORUS
I’m going crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy.
It’s crazy but it’s true.
I’m crazy over vegetables.
I love them, yes I do.
I’m going crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy.
It’s how I want to be, yeah.
I hope that someday everyone
is crazy just like me.
My dog likes to disco
on TikTok for fun.
He’d rather start dancing
than go for a run…
Hi friends and readers! I have spent the past three years working on this, and I can finally tell you… I have a brand new book coming out next week, and it’s going to be called My Dog Likes to Disco!
Like my previous books The Armpit of Doom, The Biggest Burp Ever, and My Cat Knows Karate, My Dog Likes to Disco contains 70 new funny poems about disco-dancing dogs, invisible kids, misbehaving phones, preposterous people, and much, much more.
Along with 50 wacky illustrations by Rafael Domingos, this new book includes many of the most popular poems I have ever written, including “I Made a Meme this Morning,” “My Flat Cat,” and “Our Dog’s Name is Roomba.”
The Kindle Edition of My Dog Likes to Disco is available for pre-order from Amazon now. The hardcover edition will be available to purchase on March 30, 2021.
Enjoy!
My dog likes to disco
on TikTok for fun.
He’d rather start dancing
than go for a run.
My dog likes to wiggle
and jiggle and jump.
He bobbles his noggin
and wriggles his rump.
And when he’s done dancing,
this doggy of mine
will pick up his cell phone
and post it online.
He puts up a video
once every day
so people can watch
as he wiggles away.
He started on TikTok
for something to do,
and now he’s on YouTube
and Instagram too.
He’s trending on Twitter
and Facebook as well.
I guess that I should have
been able to tell.
You see, when I rescued
my dog from the pound,
the sign said, “Purebred
social media hound.”
I made a meme this morning.
I posted it online.
(I asked my mom’s permission.
She said that it was fine.)
Then people started sharing it.
The next thing that I knew,
my meme had spread around the world.
It grew, and grew, and grew!
By lunch my meme went viral.
It had a billion views.
By dinnertime the TV had it
on the evening news.
I earned a penny, maybe two,
from every single share,
and, by the time I went to bed,
I was a millionaire.
I thought of making one more meme
that might go even higher.
But, nah, I’m nearly nine years old.
I think I’ll just retire.
I Hypnotized the Teacher
The Noisy Boys from Boise
Good Morning, Mrs. Hamster
Coloring for Kids
The Elephant Repairman
Homework Stew
Crazy Over Vegetables
My Dog Likes to Disco
I Made a Meme this Morning