My puppy plays piano.
It’s the strangest thing to see.
It seems, while I was practicing,
he learned by watching me.
He started out on chopsticks,
then he learned to play some Bach.
It wasn’t long before he knew
the blues and classic rock.
He also taught my kitten how
so they could play duets,
and then they taught guitar and drums
to all my other pets.
They formed a band and practiced hard
and traveled all around,
and instantly got famous
for their catchy “Pet Rock” sound.
They made a smash hit record
and it wasn’t very long
before my pets were millionaires
because they wrote this song.
My parents sent me to the store
to buy a loaf of bread.
I came home with a puppy
and a parakeet instead.
I came home with a guinea pig,
a hamster and a cat,
a turtle and a lizard
and a friendly little rat.
I also had a monkey
and a mongoose and a mouse.
Those animals went crazy
when I brought them in the house.
They barked and yelped and hissed
and chased my family out the door.
My parents never let me
do the shopping anymore.
I have a half a billion germs
I keep as tiny pets.
They’re cute and clean and never mean
and give me no regrets.
They spend all day engaged in play
upon my skin and hair.
They’re on my clothes, between my toes
and in my underwear.
They dance and shout and bounce about.
They run and jump and slide.
My epidermis teems with germs
who party on my hide.
I never fret about the pets
inside my shirt and socks.
I love them there but wonder where
they keep their litter box?
I’m told by my snail that he will not get dressed.
He says that he’s not feeling well.
It’s not that he won’t wear a coat or a vest;
he won’t even put on his shell.
He’s still in his bed as he lets out a yawn.
I tell him I think it’s okay
to wait till tomorrow to put his shell on
since he’s feeling sluggish today.
My family went out on a picnic.
We lugged all our stuff to the park.
As soon as we’d spread out our blanket
it promptly got rainy and dark.
And while we were watching our napkins
and plates blow away in the breeze,
we all got attacked by mosquitoes
and plagued and tormented by bees.
Our sodas were slurped up by insects.
Our burgers were eaten by ants
which, once they were done with our lunches,
decided to crawl up our pants.
We couldn’t hold out any longer.
We ran screaming madly away
and left all our stuff to the insects
and rain that had ruined our day.
So next time we’ll go to the movies,
or maybe just go to the mall.
That last time we went on a picnic
was really no picnic at all.
I have a dog.
His name is Fred.
He won’t play fetch.
He won’t play dead.
He won’t shake hands
or sit or stay
or bark or beg
or run and play.
He won’t roll over,
jump or crawl.
In fact, he won’t
do tricks at all.
When people ask
I tell them that’s
because my dog
was raised by cats.
A pug is a dog
with a curlicue tail.
He eats like a hog
and he snores like a whale.
He’s flat in the snout
and his belly is big.
The pug came about
just by misspelling pig.
My chickens all had chicks
and I’ve got more than I can keep.
Perhaps you’d like to purchase one?
They’re cheap, cheap, cheep!
My pig won’t let me watch TV.
It’s totally unfair.
He watches anything he wants
but doesn’t ever share.
I never get to watch cartoons
or anything like that.
He’s busy watching farming shows.
I should have got a cat.
I should have got a goldfish
or a guinea pig or goat.
Instead, I’ve got this pig
who’s always hogging the remote.
Hickory, dickory, dock.
Two mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one.
Enjoy the pun.
Hickory, dickory, dock.