Month: September 2012

My Kitten Won’t Stop Talking

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My kitten won’t stop talking.
She just prattles night and day.
She walks around repeating
nearly everything I say.

My kitten never says, “Meow.”
She never even purrs.
She mimics me instead
in that annoying voice of hers.

She waits for me to speak,
and then she copies every word,
or begs me for a cracker,
or says, “I’m a pretty bird.”

I’m not sure what to do, and so
I simply grin and bear it.
She’s been this way since yesterday;
that’s when she ate my parrot.

–Kenn Nesbitt

Gerbil, Gerbil, On the Run

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Gerbil, gerbil, on the run
in your wheel, that looks like fun.
You must be in awesome shape.
Are you trying to escape?

Is that why you dug a hole?
Where’d you get that vaulting pole?
That looks like my grappling hook.
Give me back that rope you took.

Tell me what that ladder’s for.
Why’s that hacksaw on the floor?
Are those cable cutters there?
Do I see a signal flare?

Crowbar, blowtorch, chainsaw too?
What do you expect to do?
How’d you get that fuse to light?
Hey! That looks like dynamite!

Quick! Get out! It might explode!
Scram! Skedaddle! Hit the road!
Man, I’ll miss you. You were fun.
Gerbil, gerbil, on the run.

–Kenn Nesbitt

My Hamster Has a Skateboard

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My hamster has a skateboard.
When he rides it, though, he falls.
He takes off like a maniac
and crashes into walls.

He screams, “Geronimo!”
and then goes crashing down the stairs.
He’s good at knocking tables down
and slamming into chairs.

He’ll slalom through the living room
and then you’ll hear a, “Splat!”
which means that he’s collided with
my mother or the cat.

He plows right into cabinets,
and smashes into doors,
I think he’s wrecked on every bed
and every chest of drawers.

It’s fun to watch him ride
because you’re sure to hear a smash.
He doesn’t skate so well but, boy,
he sure knows how to crash.

–Kenn Nesbitt

New Book! The Armpit of Doom: Funny Poems for Kids

My newest poetry collection, The Armpit of Doom: Funny Poems for Kids, is now available! This collection of 70 new poems has been a labor of love for the past couple of years, and I hope you have as much fun reading it as I had writing it.

Click here to download a free sample in PDF format.

Click here to buy The Armpit of Doom from Amazon.com.

Book Description

Kids love Kenn Nesbitt’s hilarious poetry! With their rollicking rhythms, playful rhymes, and mischievous twists, kids can’t stop reading these poems.

The Armpit of Doom includes seventy new poems about crazy characters, funny families, peculiar pets, comical creatures, and much, much more, all whimsically illustrated by Rafael Domingos.

eBook Edition

In addition to the paperback, The Armpit of Doom is also available for Kindle, Nook, iOS, Google Play, and Kobo ereader. Click on the icons below for more information.

Reviews

Irrepressible, unpredictable, and raucously popular children’s poet Kenn Nesbitt was spawned in the same cracked petri dish as Jack Prelutsky, to whom he is the natural heir. A title guaranteed to generate “No, wait, read this one!” responses, The Armpit of Doom is more mayhem from one of the masters.
(J. Patrick Lewis, U.S. Children’s Poet Laureate, author of Please Bury Me in the Library and many other books for children)

Welcome Back to School

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“Dear students, the summer has ended.
The school year at last has begun.
But this year is totally different.
I promise we’ll only have fun.

“We won’t study any mathematics,
and recess will last all day long.
Instead of the pledge of allegiance,
we’ll belt out a rock-and-roll song.

“We’ll only play games in the classroom.
You’re welcome to bring in your toys.
It’s okay to run in the hallways.
It’s great if you make lots of noise.

“For homework, you’ll play your Nintendo.
You’ll have to watch lots of T.V.
For field trips we’ll go to the movies
and get lots of candy for free.

“The lunchroom will only serve chocolate
and triple fudge sundaes supreme.”
Yes, that’s what I heard from my teacher
before I woke up from my dream.

–Kenn Nesbitt

Catastrophe

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Our house is a catastrophe.
The curtains are in shreds.
There’s fur on all the furniture
and “presents” on our beds.

The couch is clawed to pieces.
The bathroom rug is ripped.
The goldfish bowl is broken
and the cat food dish is flipped.

There’s kitty litter everywhere.
The carpet smells like pee.
We went away for just one day
and got CATastrophe.

–Kenn Nesbitt

My Teacher Ate My Homework

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My teacher ate my homework,
which I thought was rather odd.
He sniffed at it and smiled
with an approving sort of nod.

He took a little nibble —
it’s unusual, but true —
then had a somewhat larger bite
and gave a thoughtful chew.

I think he must have liked it,
for he really went to town.
He gobbled it with gusto
and he wolfed the whole thing down.

He licked off all his fingers,
gave a burp and said, “You pass.”
I guess that’s how they grade you
when you’re in a cooking class.

–Kenn Nesbitt

April Fool’s Day

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Mackenzie put a whoopie cushion
on the teacher’s chair.
Makayla told the teacher
that a bug was in her hair.

Alyssa brought an apple
with a purple gummy worm
and gave it to the teacher
just to see if she would squirm.

Elijah left a piece of plastic
dog doo on the floor,
and Vincent put some plastic vomit
in the teacher’s drawer.

Amanda put a goldfish
in the teacher’s drinking glass.
These April Fool’s Day pranks
are ones that you could use in class.

Before you go and try them, though,
there’s something I should mention:
The teacher wasn’t fooling
when she put us in detention.

–Kenn Nesbitt

I’m Staying Home From School Today

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I’m staying home from school today.
I’d rather be in bed
pretending that I have a pain
that’s pounding in my head.

I’ll say I have a stomach ache.
I’ll claim I’ve got the flu.
I’ll shiver like I’m cold
and hold my breath until I’m blue.

I’ll fake a cough. I’ll fake a sneeze.
I’ll say my throat is sore.
If necessary I can throw
a tantrum on the floor.

I’m sure I’ll get away with it.
Of that, there’s little doubt.
But, even so, I really hope
my students don’t find out.

–Kenn Nesbitt

Basketball’s My Favorite Sport

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Basketball’s my favorite sport.
I dribble up and down the court.
The ball goes bouncing off my toes
and beans the teacher on the nose.

He stumbles back and grabs his nose
and hits the wall and down he goes.
The other players stop and stare.
They’ve never heard the teacher swear.

With no one playing anymore.
I grab the ball. I shoot. I score.
I love this game! It’s so much fun.
The teacher cried, but, hey–we won.

–Kenn Nesbitt

Month: September 2012

My Kitten Won’t Stop Talking

Gerbil, Gerbil, On the Run

My Hamster Has a Skateboard