My goldfish took up tennis.
They installed a little net
at the bottom of their fishtank
for their first official set.
They got tennis balls and racquets.
They got tennis shoes and shorts,
for my fish are fond of tennis
more than any other sports.
It’s a funny thing to watch them.
when they practice every day,
as the tennis balls they serve each other
always float away.
This here is the story of Jed Beaudelay,
who once was the head of the Cow Town Ballet,
the greatest of all of the old western sights,
for Jed would take milk cows and dress them in tights.
In tutus and slippers his cows would sashay,
they’d spin pirouettes, they’d glissade and plié.
And cowpokes from Boston to Monterey Bay
would journey to Cow Town to see the ballet.
And every night how his cattle would dance!
They’d act out a musical cattle romance,
with skill and precision, with grace and with flair,
they’d glide ‘cross the stage and they’d leap through the air.
And when it was over the cowpokes would cheer
and even the manliest men shed a tear
for nowhere on Earth but the Cow Town Ballet
had anyone ever seen cattle sashay.
Old Jed Beaudelay would still run the ballet,
if not for the fact that when cattle sashay,
and all of their tutus are flapping around
their costumes make sort of a shuffling sound.
And some no-good cowpoke, on hearing that sound,
was rather unhappy; he stopped and he frowned,
then ran to the sheriff, deciding to tattle,
so Jed was arrested for rustling cattle.
Don’t badger a groundhog.
Don’t swallow a grouse.
Don’t bulldog a poodle.
Don’t rat on a mouse.
Don’t parrot a peacock.
Don’t buffalo moose.
Don’t hawk a flamingo
Don’t duck from a goose.
Don’t ferret out weasels.
Don’t crab at a shark.
Don’t hound a chihuahua.
Don’t crow at a lark.
Don’t ram an alpaca.
Don’t leech off a worm.
Don’t bat at a squirrel
and don’t bug a germ.
Don’t slug a sea snail.
Don’t tick off a louse.
Don’t ape a gorilla.
Don’t rat on a mouse.
Just take some advice
and remember this clue:
if you leave them alone
they won’t monkey with you!
While shopping at the pet store
I got my fondest wish.
I bought myself a fish bowl
and then a pair of fish.
And since I was already
out shopping at the store
I thought I ought to purchase
another smidgen more.
And so I got a rabbit,
a hamster and a frog,
a gerbil and a turtle,
a parrot and a dog.
I purchased an iguana,
a tortoise and a rat,
an eight-foot anaconda,
a monkey and a cat.
A guinea pig, a gecko,
a ferret and a mouse,
and had them all delivered,
directly to my house.
My sister went berzerko!
She’s now installing locks,
because I said her bedroom
would be their litter box!
Don’t test a rattlesnake’s rattle.
Don’t count the teeth of a shark.
Don’t stick your head in the mouth of a bulldog
to find out what’s making him bark.
Don’t count the stripes on a tiger.
Don’t squeeze an elephant’s trunk.
Don’t pet the scales of a boa constrictor
and don’t lift the tail of a skunk.
Don’t study spots on a leopard.
Don’t check the charge of an eel.
Don’t pull the claws on a grizzly bear’s paws
regardless of how brave you feel.
Don’t pull a porcupine’s whiskers.
Don’t touch a crocodile’s toe.
Learn all you like, but try not to forget:
there are some things you don’t need to know.
I left our rhino in the rain;
all night he’s been outside.
The rain has soaked him to the bone,
right through his rhino hide.
He’s my responsibility.
My folks said, “Don’t forget…”
But somehow I neglected him,
and now he’s soaking wet.
And both my folks are all upset
and feel I can’t be trusted.
I left our rhino in the rain,
and he rhinocerusted.
The fish in our aquarium
are looking rather ill,
and most of them are turning
kind of green around the gill.
I might have fed them too much food,
forgot to clean their tank,
or maybe they’re allergic to
the toys and junk I sank.
Perhaps I broke the thermostat.
I could have cut their air.
What’s certain is they’re sickly
from my downright lack of care.
But even though they’re looking ill
I still have cause to gloat;
they’re obviously talented–
they’re learning how to float!
If a person has four babies
you would call them all quadruplets.
If a kangaroo does likewise
should you call them kangaruplets?
And there’s something else I wonder,
that could use illuminating,
When a kangaroo is thinking
is it kangaruminating?
If you baked a kangaroo a pie
and shaped it like a boomerang
would it be best with whipping cream
or maybe kangaroo meringue?
I’ve got so many questions,
I just don’t know what to do.
I guess perhaps I’ll have to go
and ask a kangaroo.
An elephant followed me home today
after waiting outside my class.
He patiently puttered around all day
playing hopscotch and munching grass.
He followed me out to the parking lot
and then rode with me on the bus.
He squeezed in the back near my normal spot
while the other kids stared at us.
He came in my house like a dog or cat,
after smashing in through the door.
At dinner he pulled up a chair and sat,
and then fell through the kitchen floor.
I’m trying to sleep, but it’s really tough
with an elephant in my bed.
He’s heavy and huge and his skin is rough,
and his trunk is across my head.
So though it may not seem relevant
please remember to heed this warning.
Don’t ever give nuts to an elephant
if he follows you in the morning.